Three Areas to Help You Understand Your Child or Teenager’s Behavior
1. Physical
It’s important to consider if physical needs are influencing their behavior. For example:-
- Physical discomfort (i.e. sick, hungry, cuts, sores, shelter, safety)
- Puberty (i.e. bodily changes caused by developing hormones)
- Image (i.e. dressing, looking cool, birthmarks, acne, weight)
2. Emotions / Thoughts
Emotions often make a big impact in the way they behave:-
- Emotional changes (i.e. Fears, anxiety, stress of being in a new environment, new friends, new responsibilities and expectations)
- Confusion in identifying role (i.e. your teenager feels he is at the in between stage of a child and an adult, and my feel like they do not fit fully in either role)
- Unresolved problems at school, at home or with peers (i.e. fights)
- Unrealistic thoughts (i.e. ‘They (parents) don’t care about me’ - What made your child feel or think that way?)
Six Do Not’s when dealing with your child’s emotions
- Do not invalidate their emotions (i.e. “Aiyo, you don’t really mean that right”)
- Do not compare (i.e. “Why can’t you be more like your elder brother?”)
- Do not use shame as a punishment (i.e. “You’re so useless”)
- Do not give up (i.e. “I’ve had enough!” or “I’m done with you!”)
- Do not blame (i.e. “I wish you were not here”)
- Do not get even (i.e. “I hate you too”)
3. Social
Social aspects that may affect their behavior:-
- Making and keeping friends (i.e. are they able to socialize and be accepted by their peers?)
- Peer pressure (i.e. the need to fit in, trying novel things, defying parents)
- Bullied (i.e. physical, verbal, cyber bullying)
- Parental or school expectation (too high that may cause excess stress that your child is unable to manage)
Parenting styles can be explained from a spectrum of non-involvement to high involvement and control plays a factor in their behavior too:-
High involvement
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Low involvement
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High control
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Authoritative
- set clear boundaries
- a balance of decision making (power balance)
- warm and firm
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Authoritarian
- rigid boundaries
- decision making is one sided by parents (parents have all the control / power)
- cold and firm
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Low control
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Permissive
- ambiguous boundaries
- decision making is one sided by the child (child is in control, having all the power)
- overly involve and soft
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Uninvolved
- No boundaries
- Children are given the whole control
- indifferent parenting
- children do not know how and what to expect
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Children and teenagers often get into a power struggle with you, therefore a clear boundary and power balanced parenting style (i.e. authoritative parenting style) would provide them with the right amount of ‘push’ and ‘freedom’ to explore their environment.
When children or teenagers are freed from the burden of too much power struggling, they then have the energy to focus on learning things, rather than becoming stuck in a perpetual struggle with you. When children or teenagers are freed from feeling like the need to rule over your role as parents who might be overly permissive in your parenting approach, they may likely develop cooperativeness and better self control through clear boundary setting. This increases the likelihood of them becoming more productive, happier and affectionate.