Forgiveness is ...

Forgiveness is for giving …
… yourself.

In conjunction with the practice of seeking and giving forgiveness on Hari Raya or otherwise known as Eid, let us all learn a little about giving forgiveness.
We often hear about that saying, “Forgive and Forget”. How many of you think that this is easier said than done?

• Why should we allow the ones who have wronged us the pleasure of forgiveness? How can I ever let that person off the hook so easily? The pain is just too strong, I can’t.

Think of one person who have wronged you in the past – how does it make you feel whenever you think of this person/ memory related to this person? This is what goes on inside of you, so – who are suffering here?

Lily Tomlin wrote that, “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past”. Too often we keep telling the story of how we have been wronged by people. Maybe we do it to seek attention and sympathy, maybe we keep telling the same story because it allows us to hide behind the veil of the victim that never needs to change. However, what if forgiving could allow us to let go of all the pain in the memory and inevitably let go of the control the memory has on us?

“When memory controls us we are then the puppets of the past” – Alexandra Asseily.

Forgiveness, by no means, is to condone or excuse any hurtful, aggressive, or violent behavior committed. It is meant to help us cultivate understanding and compassion in order for the ones who are suffering to come to terms with the way things are in the present, and slowly let go of allowing the pain of the past to still be occurring in this present moment.

Forgiveness is a process, yes. However, it starts with a decision. Once you decide to change your story, you get your happy ending.

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin!

Hari Raya Aidilfitri - Maaf Zahir dan Batin

The celebration of Hari Raya Aidilfitri marks the end of the Ramadan month. It is a holiday that symbolizes the completion of the fasting period, and is celebrated on the first day of the Islamic month of Syawal.

Hari Raya celebration is also the time to ask for forgiveness and to forgive others. It is the time for reconciliation and renewal of relationships with others. Hence, the greeting “maaf zahir dan batin” is usually used during this celebration to mean “I seek forgiveness (from you) for my physical and emotional (wrongdoings)”.

Apologizing is indeed one of the most common method for reconciling with others after conflicts that are either large or small. Apology is shown by studies to foster happiness, promotes forgiveness, and restore balance to a relationship when it is done well.

So, what constitutes a good and effective apology?

Aaron Lazare, an apology expert, provides guidelines and criteria for an effective apology. He described that there are up to four parts to the structure of an effective apology, and they are: acknowledgement of the offense; explanation; expressions of remorse, shame, and humility; and reparation.

• Acknowledgement of the offense – To acknowledge the offense that has been made by the offender. The acknowledgement of the offense made has to be clear in regards to the specificity of the offense, instead of being vague (“for whatever I did”); passive (“mistakes were made”); or conditional (“if mistakes have been made”). Use the empathic “sorry”. 
• Explanation – Explain on how the offense is unacceptable, and show that it is unlikely to recur. A counterproductive explanation is such as when it is self-serving, defensive, or shallow. 
• Expression of remorse, shame, and humility – These attitudes and emotions show that the offender recognizes the suffering of the offended as the result of the offense that has been done, and it helps assure that the offense will never recur. 
• Reparation – To provide compensation to the damage done. The damage may be tangible or intangible, therefore compensation can be in real or symbolic way. Example of reparation for offense that causes damage or loss of tangible object would be replacement or restoration of the object. But when damage is intangible – ranging from insult to humiliation and death of loved ones – reparation would be in a form of gift, an honor, financial exchange, or acceptance of a tangible punishment from the guilty party. 

Effective apology heals oneself, the offended, and the relationship between the two, and it generates forgiveness and reconciliation.  Let’s renew our relationships with our family and friends in this festive season by practicing apology and forgiveness.

Maintaining Father-Daughter Bond

Father’s Day is typically less heralded in comparison to Mother’s Day. As we are approaching the annual celebration of fathers around the world, I would like to consider the relationship I have with my dad.

I love my dad, that’s a given. But sometimes I forget to appreciate him, take him for granted, and a lot of times, I forget that as much as I am excited about launching myself as quickly as a rocket to the ‘real world’, my father is going through the process of having a child raced out of his arms. 

We often hear a lot of difficulties in the relationship between a parent and a teenage child, but what about the challenges in maintaining relationship between a father and an adult daughter? It is expected that as we grow, as we change, so, too, must our relationship with our fathers change.

I know for a fact that no matter how old we get – we can have children/grandchildren of our own and age 76 – but we will always be our parents’ child. So here are a few things, which I believe, are helpful for myself as well as anyone on maintaining healthy adult relationship with their father:

1. A new relationship, one between mature adults rather than “parent” and “child”. Although yes, we will always be somebody’s child, but that does not mean we should behave like a child. You already have the foundation – love and shared memories. Add mutual respect and common interests and you may find a more fulfilling relationship with your dad than any you’ve had since childhood. 
2. Empathy. 
3. Stop trying to change him. Instead, think of how we can change our behavior to better interact with them.
4. Establish boundaries with him. Let him know when he oversteps your boundaries, with a lot of empathy and love. Hey, it isn’t easy for a father to have his children tell him that he had stepped over their boundaries, so the least we could do is to do it with grace.
5. Know your limits. Sometimes spending time with family can be as taxing as it is enjoyable. Know your limits for family time and put yourself first. Don’t feel guilty about establishing boundaries.
6. Notice and acknowledge what he did, still does and will probably continue to do for you. Thank him for these things.
7. Remain in contact – reply his messages, even when it is a selfie (especially if it is a selfie!), or a picture of a random person posing weirdly...

Above all, be the adult that you are, and remind yourself of how much you appreciate your father, and you are sure to maintain a healthy relationship with him. After all, the good times you have spent with your family are the ones that are best remembered.

Happy Father’s Day!

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Nurturing Sunshine at Shah Alam Buddhist Society

Looking forward to enhance parent-child understanding and communication? Nurturing Sunshine, organized by the Shah Alam Buddhist Society has invited two clinical psychologists from CPCS to provide an insight to better understand your parent-child relationship. Details are provided in the poster below:

For registration or inquiries, please contact: 

Kevin Ooi 

Tel: 019-218 7688

E-mail: guanchoo@gmail.com

Address:

莎阿南佛学会

Shah Alam Buddhist Society

No.9, Jln Sg Congkak 32/41

Bukit Rimau

40460 Shah Alam 

Selangor

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