1. Self-Control
It is important for parents to keep their coolness and do not escalate
the situation. Meanwhile, we need to maintain our awareness about our reactions
to our children’s behavior. Be patient, take a deep breath and stand firm on
our points would be helpful. Remember not to personalize the comments. If
needed, give ourselves a time-out in order to control our emotions.2. Respect
Parents need to model respect by listening to and acknowledging our children. Respect yourself as a parent as we don’t act like our children. We also need to respect the space that needed for our children to express their thoughts and emotions. As parents, we could acknowledge our children’s emotions and thoughts. Meanwhile, we restate our instructions firmly with non-threatening voice.
3. Cooperation
As far as parents require our children to cooperate with us, they also need us to reciprocate. Being the parents, we need to be realistic in putting across our request. We can learn to be positive, supportive with good humor. Be mindful that we don’t want to be a forcer by repeating ourselves a third, fourth, or fifth time before we act. We can give reminder once, and act subsequently.
Grosshan’s 5 Steps Ladder (B.A. Grosshans. 2008. Beyond time-out: from chaos to calm. Sterling, New York.)
This is an action-based model to teach children about self-control and
cooperation. In this model, talking and conversation are limited. If parents
speak, it is targeted to take power away from the children’s negative behavior.
Step 1: A friendly bid for cooperation
Speak in a friendly, upbeat tone, referring to your child with a pet
name and give a directive. Wait for a reasonable amount of time to see if your
child complies. If he/she fails to comply, climb to Step 2.
Step 2: And I mean business reminder
Shift to a more businesslike voice, drop the pet name, and refer to
your child by his/her proper name. Deliver the reminder with the use of
nonverbal behavior. If your child does not comply, climb to Step 3.
Step 3: To the bedroom
·
Part 1:
Take your child to his room
Begin this
step with action, NOT WORDS! Move to your children before you start to speak.
Do not engage in any conversation or respond to your child’s protests or
begging.
·
Part 2: Set
the terms
Place your
child on the bed and say the terms with a firm but nonthreatening tone. Say no
more, turn and walk out of the room, leaving the bedroom’s door open. Stay
close to the door, but out of your child’s view.
Step 4: Shut the door
·
Scenario 1:
Your child remains in his room appropriately
If your
child behaves appropriately, you may release him with a light, upbeat tone and
friendly voice after a few minutes.
·
Scenario 2:
Your child remains in his room but acts out verbally
After a
minute, stick your head into the room and speak in a loud and supportive tone indicating
to close the door. Then close the door, but do not walk away. Stay close to the
door.
·
Scenario 3:
Your child runs out of his room
Putting
your hands out to catch and stop him as he tries to fee. Turn your child around
and direct him to bed or pick him up if necessary. Once the child is sitting
back on the bed, say the terms again. Say no more, turn to leave the room.
Remain outside the door in case your child still needs you. If all these failed, climb to Step 5.
Step 5: The parent hold
Standing outside your child’s closed door, speak to your child through
the door, in a calm and grounded tone and state your directive again. If your
child can’t calm down and becomes emotionally or physically out of control,
open the door, go to your child, and give parent hold.
