Nurturing Sunshine at Shah Alam Buddhist Society

Looking forward to enhance parent-child understanding and communication? Nurturing Sunshine, organized by the Shah Alam Buddhist Society has invited two clinical psychologists from CPCS to provide an insight to better understand your parent-child relationship. Details are provided in the poster below:

For registration or inquiries, please contact: 

Kevin Ooi 

Tel: 019-218 7688

E-mail: guanchoo@gmail.com

Address:

莎阿南佛学会

Shah Alam Buddhist Society

No.9, Jln Sg Congkak 32/41

Bukit Rimau

40460 Shah Alam 

Selangor

Three Tips to Help Children Manage Anger

Single Parenting

5 Tips to Communicate Better with Your Teens

Balancing Study and Play

Discipline vs. Punishment

Tough Teens & Challenging Children

Three Areas to Help You Understand Your Child or Teenager’s Behavior

1. Physical

 It’s important to consider if physical needs are influencing their behavior. For example:-

• Physical discomfort (i.e. sick, hungry, cuts, sores, shelter, safety)
• Puberty (i.e. bodily changes caused by developing hormones)
• Image (i.e. dressing, looking cool, birthmarks, acne, weight)

2. Emotions / Thoughts

 Emotions often make a big impact in the way they behave:-

• Emotional changes (i.e. Fears, anxiety, stress of being in a new environment, new friends, new responsibilities and expectations)
• Confusion in identifying role (i.e. your teenager feels he is at the in between stage of a child and an adult, and my feel like they do not fit fully in either role)
• Unresolved problems at school, at home or with peers (i.e. fights)
• Unrealistic thoughts (i.e. ‘They (parents) don’t care about me’ - What made your child feel or think that way?)

Six Do Not’s when dealing with your child’s emotions

1. Do not invalidate their emotions (i.e. “Aiyo, you don’t really mean that right”)
2. Do not compare (i.e. “Why can’t you be more like your elder brother?”)
3. Do not use shame as a punishment (i.e. “You’re so useless”)
4. Do not give up (i.e. “I’ve had enough!” or “I’m done with you!”)
5. Do not blame (i.e. “I wish you were not here”)
6. Do not get even (i.e. “I hate you too”)

3. Social

  Social aspects that may affect their behavior:-

• Making and keeping friends (i.e. are they able to socialize and be accepted by their peers?)
• Peer pressure (i.e. the need to fit in, trying novel things, defying parents)
• Bullied (i.e. physical, verbal, cyber bullying)
• Parental or school expectation (too high that may cause excess stress that your child is unable to manage)

Parenting styles can be explained from a spectrum of non-involvement to high involvement and control plays a factor in their behavior too:-

	High involvement	Low involvement
High control	Authoritative -          set clear boundaries -          a balance of decision making (power balance) -          warm and firm	Authoritarian -          rigid boundaries -          decision making is one sided by parents (parents have all the control / power) -          cold and firm
Low control	Permissive -          ambiguous boundaries -          decision making is one sided by the child (child is in control, having all the power)  -          overly involve and soft	Uninvolved -          No boundaries -          Children are given the whole control -          indifferent parenting -          children do not know how and what to expect

Children and teenagers often get into a power struggle with you, therefore a clear boundary and power balanced parenting style (i.e. authoritative parenting style) would provide them with the right amount of ‘push’ and ‘freedom’ to explore their environment.

When children or teenagers are freed from the burden of too much power struggling, they then have the energy to focus on learning things, rather than becoming stuck in a perpetual struggle with you. When children or teenagers are freed from feeling like the need to rule over your role as parents who might be overly permissive in your parenting approach, they may likely develop cooperativeness and better self control through clear boundary setting. This increases the likelihood of them becoming more productive, happier and affectionate.

Tough Teens Challenging Children – Part 2: A Simple Guide to Problem Solving

 Three keys for parents to be aware about themselves prior managing the challenging behaviors:

1. Self-Control

It is important for parents to keep their coolness and do not escalate the situation. Meanwhile, we need to maintain our awareness about our reactions to our children’s behavior. Be patient, take a deep breath and stand firm on our points would be helpful. Remember not to personalize the comments. If needed, give ourselves a time-out in order to control our emotions.

2. Respect
Parents need to model respect by listening to and acknowledging our children. Respect yourself as a parent as we don’t act like our children. We also need to respect the space that needed for our children to express their thoughts and emotions. As parents, we could acknowledge our children’s emotions and thoughts. Meanwhile, we restate our instructions firmly with non-threatening voice.

3. Cooperation
As far as parents require our children to cooperate with us, they also need us to reciprocate. Being the parents, we need to be realistic in putting across our request. We can learn to be positive, supportive with good humor. Be mindful that we don’t want to be a forcer by repeating ourselves a third, fourth, or fifth time before we act. We can give reminder once, and act subsequently.


Grosshan’s 5 Steps Ladder (B.A. Grosshans. 2008. Beyond time-out: from chaos to calm. Sterling, New York.)

This is an action-based model to teach children about self-control and cooperation. In this model, talking and conversation are limited. If parents speak, it is targeted to take power away from the children’s negative behavior.

Step 1: A friendly bid for cooperation

Speak in a friendly, upbeat tone, referring to your child with a pet name and give a directive. Wait for a reasonable amount of time to see if your child complies. If he/she fails to comply, climb to Step 2.

Step 2: And I mean business reminder

Shift to a more businesslike voice, drop the pet name, and refer to your child by his/her proper name. Deliver the reminder with the use of nonverbal behavior. If your child does not comply, climb to Step 3.

Step 3: To the bedroom

·         Part 1: Take your child to his room

Begin this step with action, NOT WORDS! Move to your children before you start to speak. Do not engage in any conversation or respond to your child’s protests or begging.

·         Part 2: Set the terms

Place your child on the bed and say the terms with a firm but nonthreatening tone. Say no more, turn and walk out of the room, leaving the bedroom’s door open. Stay close to the door, but out of your child’s view.

Step 4: Shut the door

·         Scenario 1: Your child remains in his room appropriately

If your child behaves appropriately, you may release him with a light, upbeat tone and friendly voice after a few minutes.

·         Scenario 2: Your child remains in his room but acts out verbally

After a minute, stick your head into the room and speak in a loud and supportive tone indicating to close the door. Then close the door, but do not walk away. Stay close to the door.

·         Scenario 3: Your child runs out of his room

Putting your hands out to catch and stop him as he tries to fee. Turn your child around and direct him to bed or pick him up if necessary. Once the child is sitting back on the bed, say the terms again. Say no more, turn to leave the room. Remain outside the door in case your child still needs you. If all these failed, climb to Step 5.

Step 5: The parent hold

Standing outside your child’s closed door, speak to your child through the door, in a calm and grounded tone and state your directive again. If your child can’t calm down and becomes emotionally or physically out of control, open the door, go to your child, and give parent hold.

Positive Parenting

When Kids Say No

Building Resilience in Our Kids